Dirt Cheap Therapy

Closing down.

Navi — Sat, 23 Feb 2008 12:44:16 +0000

Yep, I’ve decided to stop blogging for a while. A new semester starts soon and with my two jobs, plus school, I have absolutely no time. My slow days at work will now be occupied with homework and other projects. I’m backing up the blog, hoping to start it up again when school ends. A mighty thanks! to everyone who has commented and read my posts. You guys have really helped me feel less alone.

Cheers,

Navi

What can i write about? Hmmm…Macs!

Navi — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:41:50 +0000

I really have nothing. I don’t want to write about that damn girl again and I’m sick of talking bout my depression and negativity. Is there anything of interest?

Well, I’ve been thinking bout buying a mac mini. It’s so small, sleek and best of all, it has Mac OS X. Yes, I’m a Mac fanboy….but don’t hold that against me. I’m not the type to irrationally denounce all other PC systems and claim Steve Jobs is a god. I use Windows and Linux…but the Mac OS is by far my most favorite. I use it for all my web authoring needs, running the Adobe Web Design Suite. But iTunes…yes, iTunes pisses me off. The music player automatically adds all my played tracks and samples to its library. I haven’t found any option in preferences that stops it from happening and because of this, I have to use Quicktime to play music outside of my library. And this whole Quicktime pro thing…hate it! .mac accounts….hate that I have to pay for it. Could they maybe have a free version? Cut down on some functionality and file storage and just make the service free for all Mac computer purchases. iTunes tax…abhor it!!

What else?? Oh yes, my MacBook gets scratched real easily. It doesn’t look as beautiful as it used to. Damn….I know there’s more, Yep, there’s the magnetic charger…it also gets damaged easily, at least it does for me. And being in Fiji, it’s so very hard getting a replacement, costly too.

There you have it, Mac’s aren’t perfect, nothing is. But Mac’s do come close. There’s a few other things that piss me off but lack of sleep (yes, I’m still suffering from that) makes it hard for me to think and write. Maybe some day I’ll go into all the technical issues. But today, this IT student is feeling too sleepy and stupid to bother. I guess I’ll just go on last.fm and listen to some music. I haven’t created an account yet. Been meaning to…maybe I’ll get around to doing it now.

nothing to say

Navi — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 13:13:49 +0000

I don’t have anything to say at the moment. I think thats a good thing. It means I’m not thinking too much about the usual depressive things. Don’t worry frequent readers (if there be any)…I’m sure the negative thoughts will come back. it’s a given. But for now, I shall remain relatively at peace. I cherish these small drug-free moments.

Little boy

Navi — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 18:41:03 +0000

Yep, that’s how I feel. Like a little kid, unable to grow up. My feeling, emotions, actions…they’re stupid. I see people going through so much but for some reason, they keep it all together. If I really want to be a man, I have to change my attitude. it’s time to stop dwelling and feeling sorry for myself. Yes, I’m depressed over other things, but I could stop exacerbating it by thinking about past relationships. If she hates me and doesn’t want to be a friend then fuck it, I have more important things to think about. I have to start solving all my problems, ridding myself of all this negativity.

I’ve been saying this for so long…time to actually put some action into it. Let’s see if I handle this day better than all the rest.

I hate this freaking country!!!

Navi — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 15:11:18 +0000

OK, so I live in Fiji. Its this tiny little Pacific Island Nation, close to Australia and New Zealand. If you don’t know,. don’t worry…we’re not important. In fact when I used to live in the States, I didn’t know anything bout this country. Now, I’ll tell you all why I hate this place. Everyone knows each other or knows somebody that knows!! I’m saying this cause today…just this morning I spoke to this guy from work. He seemed really cool, a nice guy to chat with. We talked and then I found out he’s good friends with my ex’s new boyfriend. In fact, he went out with the new couple and knows the girl.

Shit!!

I made a decent amount of progress over the past few days. I’ve stopped having dreams/nightmares and she just hasn’t been on my mind as much. But I had a good dose of bad luck today, meeting this guy. I don’t think I can really speak to him anymore…I mean, without thinking bout them. I guess eventually I’ll completely forget and move on but that’s not gonna happen anytime soon so for the moment, I’m stuck with not being able to really talk to him. She doesn’t know it…but she really did fuck me up. And to make it worse, she’s apparently being saying things about me…to people I know and don’t get along with anymore. It’s like she’s deliberately fucking with me. It’s hard for me to go one day without hearing news concerning her new love or her new comments, regarding me. I guess I’m kinda doing the same thing here…expressing myself completely to anyone who’s willing to read. But then you guys reading this don’t know her…..I haven’t used her name and well, you’re all in different countries, complete strangers. Well no matter, even if someone says that this is worse or exactly like what she’s doing…I don’t care! Fuck it!

This is helping me….it’s all I have. Aside from blogging, there’s someone I talk to. I kinda woke her up this morning after talking to the guy. I needed to talk to someone. She freely admitted I have shit luck. I really should have listened to her from the beginning when she told me not to get hooked. She’s a good friend…probably the only one I have at this moment that I can trust completely. But I don’t want to get attached to her, I don’t want to have a good friend who’s just gonna leave me in the end. I’m still not willing to trust in friendship to a great degree…it’s just slightly more than a word, a classification, of sorts. Thank god I’m not in love with her…that would just present a whole new set of problems.

OK, back to work. Gonna try and forget. Maybe I’ll watch some onion news.

When will it end?

Navi — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 15:47:33 +0000

I know she burned me and I know I shouldn’t call her but I can’t stop myself in my dreams. They are so vivid. I had a conversation with her online (in my dream). It goes something like this:

me: hi

her: you sound shallow

me: what do you mean? I just said hi

her: we broke up after my mum caught us making out (she’s referring to the other guy)

me: oh, thought you didn’t like doing that

her: wonderful, eh?

me: he’s a lucky guy

…………………………………………..and that’s when I jumped right off the couch and I mean literally. I realize this means I want her back, that I’m not over her and if there’s even the slightest chance of having her, I’ll take it. It’s 3 AM here and I can’t call anyone for help, for advice, for any degree of reassurance. I’m so tempted to call her. Dammit! So many people say I shouldn’t and I’ve always agreed. My mind tells me to do one thing and my heart says something else. I know it’s cliche but that’s truly how I feel. Maybe I could make it work this time round. Just be less negative and emotional and maybe more callous…I think that’s what she wants. This is the reason why I don’t like to sleep. She just keeps invading my mind. I can barely acknowledge her brother these days and I was friends with him even before I met her. She was this major part of my life and everything I do now just reminds me of her. My car, I hate it. Memories of her sitting beside me…mental anguish. I though I was progressing…leaving it all behind me but now I feel like I’m back to square one. I’ve deleted her number from my phone but it’s still in my head. I can very easily call her. Yesterday, my phone kinda died on me and weirdly enough, I was glad. It meant I would not have the chance to call her so easily…the thought of it being out of my control now and not a personal choice was gratifying. I don’t care if I’m repeating things said on other posts…I’m too tired to remember or give a shit. I need to vent. I need to forget her. Erase that past of my life completely.

There’s this girl I know. She’s smart, annoyingly funny and there for me. I’ve entertained the thought of possibly…well, liking her and being with her but I don’t know if that’s what I really want. I think I mentioned transferring my feelings to another as a form of finally letting go. This means my feelings might not really be genuine……

I’m still extremely tired. I only had an hour’s sleep. So again, if anyone’s reading, forgive my pathetic writing. I’m just typing out exactly what’s floating through my head….there’s no structure to my thoughts, as you can see.

I think I’m gonna read a few blogs now…try to get my mind off this internal melodrama.

Drained

Navi — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 13:38:14 +0000

I’m so very tired these days. Working the graveyard shift at work and not being able to sleep…it’s made me a zombie. I’m sort of emotionless at the moment. Just working through the days. My goals seem so distant. Like before, I’m having trouble writing. I just can’t seem to express myself. I need some sort of a wake up call. Gotta get back on track. Wish I could write something meaningful today. Damn too many I’s. Me, me, always me.

So tired

Navi — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 13:22:06 +0000

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I’m back at work only now I’m working the graveyard shift. Midnight, sitting at the computer, cold, hungry and bored. As usual, I’ve been thinking and am currently thinking about that girl. I came so close to calling her. I’ve deleted her from my contact list but her number is burned into my head, like her email address and everything thats happened. I feel like such a loser, being duped by this girl…duped into believing every beautiful thing she said to me. Thank god I haven’t actually called her. It would just make things worse for me…take away whatever small amount of progress I’ve made.

I only had 3 hours of sleep today, and yesterday and the day before. Fact is, I haven’t caught much sleep at all. Damn dreams keep disturbing me. Fear of being alone, fear of yet more betrayals and lies. Sleep is just hell. It’s like some virtual transport to hell, where all my fears and memories rush me, relentless. I know I need to sleep but until I get some pills, I don’t think I’ll be tucking into bed anytime soon. The promise of a drugged sleep sounds so good. Hell, this lack of sleep is affecting my blogging. I’m having so much difficulty expressing myself clearly. Feel so stupid. If there’s anyone reading this, please excuse my pathetic writing. I used to be able to write so much better. I admit, my blogging is just plain stupid…I’ve lost whatever talent I used to have for writing.

Time to make me some coffee. Hope it helps.

Microsoft buying Yahoo?

Navi — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 23:33:41 +0000

Now many of you probably already know about this but it’s news to me. From what I’ve garnered on the web, Microsoft is placing a bid of $US44.6 Billion. I’m sure there’s a million people out there crying foul. As a Mac fan, normally I’d do the same but Yahoo is a dying dinosaur that needs to be brought back somehow and Microsoft’s got the resources so I’m actually glad. This way, Google has a real competitor and we might see a few Microsoft web applications added as alternatives to Google’s line. But I am left wondering, like many, how it’s actually gonna work. I guess we all just have to wait and see how it plays out.

Revelation

Navi — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 00:16:05 +0000

This kinda pertains to the previous post….actually, more like a comment made in the previous post. I was told to find another girl and get laid. Release my obsessed attachment through casual sex as a form of temporary treatment. I like the idea (what sane man wouldn’t) but I have a problem in that regard. I’m a….

….Virgin!

That’s right, I’m willing to say it out loud. I’m 20 and a virgin! I’m not proud of it but fuck if everyone knows. You see I had this silly notion that my first time should be memorable, something I should never regret and with someone I love. I haven’t had the chance to really date many girls, probably because I’m picky and ugly. This might sound cliche but personality means a lot to me. KS, the girl I’m having trouble getting over, was to be my first. I also had another silly notion, that my first would be with a girl of equal inexperience. Suffice to say, it never happened (Could I be bitter over that? If so, that would make me an asshole to the highest degree).

Anyway, I’ve given up on all these unrealistic requirements and expectations of my first time. After losing KS, I’ve lost my belief in love. Played for a fool, now I just wanna follow that user’s advice and get laid. Meaningless, casual sex wasn’t something I agreed with but I’m changing, aren’t I? So maybe I’ll start doing the things I never thought I’d do. Stop clinging to romantic ideals and get with realism. Is it too late to make a new year’s resolutions? I hope not cause I wanna add losing virginity to that list. I’d hate to be a 40 year old virgin, still sad and depressed over some girl.